I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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