I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hippo gnu deer
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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