I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
