Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
