You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
