If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
