I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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