i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
