Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
