I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
