Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
