getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
