My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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