I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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