I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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