I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
smell my finger.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
