Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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