Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
