is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
