I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
