This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
