just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
