I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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