At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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