Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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