I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
