So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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