Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
