You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize