My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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