You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
