Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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