There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
