i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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