Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well I just put wine in my tea
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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