Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
