How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
