So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
