He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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