i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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