I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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