he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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