non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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