Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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