Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
