You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
