There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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