I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
