Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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