you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
