Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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