listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
