There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
