I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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