non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
