Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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