I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
