Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
