dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
