i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
