OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
