don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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