The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
try to milk me bitch
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
