The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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