I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
