so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
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After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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