I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
soo... how was my night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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