can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
